桜花草の梦幻乐园

哈哈，我也不懂发什么神经啦。。。昨天那么的自怜自艾。。。
我已经没事了。。请千万不要担心。。
今天那么冷的水，终于把我的傻脑袋淋醒了。。哈哈
没事没事。。一切雨过天晴！
但，我还是坚持，新年能不见就不见。。。。免得我又发神经，落寞起来！哈哈

好！读书去！加油！

快要回家了 yay~~

xx

after nearly falling asleep with doing 130 ques...finally the result is out.

Rank	Specialty	Score
1	nuclear med	38
2	psychiatry	37
3	anesthesiology	37
4	radiation oncology	37
5	dermatology	36
6	colon & rectal surgery	36
7	med oncology	36
8	rheumatology	36
9	plastic surgery	36
10	physical med & rehabilitation	35
11	ophthalmology	35
12	occupational med	35
13	thoracic surgery	35
14	radiology	35
15	infectious disease	35
16	family practice	35
17	general internal med	34
18	hematology	34
19	pediatrics	33
20	pathology	33
21	obstetrics/gynecology	32
22	general surgery	32
23	aerospace med	32
24	gastroenterology	32
25	nephrology	32
26	cardiology	32
27	allergy & immunology	32
28	emergency med	31
29	pulmonology	31
30	endocrinology	31
31	preventive med	31
32	urology	31
33	neurology	30
34	neurosurgery	30
35	otolaryngology	30
36	orthopaedic surgery	30

seriously...num4 is okay,#7#14#20 are also okay...stilll acceptable...the rest...OMG>
but...its quite true that i hate NEURO and NEURO SURGERY!!!

一直以为，一切都结束了，放下了，心情不再起伏，不再有任何波动。心会比湖还要平静
怎么知道，几个月后的在相见，就几小时的相处，已经让我觉得很累，很痛苦，很想大哭一场。

我讨厌这样的自己，就算多么不愿意，多么不想，也得正面面对他，还得咧开嘴，开怀大笑，好像什么事情都没发生过一样
我。。很累。。我。。不想再见到他了。。我。。。的心，竟然还在淌血。。。
没想到，这一次的喜欢。。。是那么认真。。。我以为很容易放下。。。结果现实不是那样的

我问THRANCE,再见亦是朋友。。。是有可能的吗? 她说，THEOREDICALLY 是可以，不过 PRACTICALLY是很难。若好聚好散是很容易，吵闹分手会很难。
我问，若无奈而须放弃呢？她迟疑了，相信，她也知道是很难的问题·吧`.结果，她说，需要一定的过渡期。
我问，多久？她说，因人而异，但绝对不断。
所以， 我相信，对我来说，会是很难吧？

我好想哭，一路上，幸好有THRANCE 的陪伴，否则当我第一脚踏出朋友住家后，我一定会立刻流泪的。

我还在在乎吗？我不要在乎， 可以吗？谁能帮我？我多么希望能选择性失忆，把他把她全忘了，当我从来不认识他与她。。我逐渐的没联系她了。。可是，我没办法躲过他。。。我好希望能把他们从这一刻开始，忘了。点点滴滴都忘了。那么，我是不是会比较好过呢？我的痛苦会结束吗？我相信，我会！

就见那么最后一次吧！新年我不要回来了，就算回来也静悄悄的，与THRANCE过年吃团圆饭就好了，我不要再见到他了，不要再与他有什么瓜葛，直到完全放下为止。我，不想再流泪，不想再痛苦，不想再心痛了。够了，我很累了。

Nothing special meaning in the title...i just suddenly felt like puting the title as that. haha.

Just had my peads seminar done. it was good....i supposed? since the tutor said to me after i presented 'well done, you did a good job!' and then when the whole session ends, many of my group mates said to me 'congratulations, you did marvellously' or 'well done, that was really good' and some of them even ask me to send them my copy of presentation. Of course, i am not going to take all the credits alone. I have 2 other group mates..one of them, Dave i had worked with me for past 4 months and the other was Harriet, this is the 1st time im working with her. And, it turns out that 3 of us did pretty good! haha.

I just remember past few months, when i am so sad and depressed cuz i could not do a good presentation. I could barely did something which is just ngam ngam passable and seriously, my confidence level got hit right hard and gone low. haha. But, who knows, since last block, O&G, i had been given 2 comments of 'perfect', one comment on 'good start' and one comment on ' well done'. I don't know whether the doctor was playing favourism? haha....or was he sincere? i don't know....cuz i am the only one among 3 of us who got such good comments from him. but, if i am to be fair and judge it myself, i feel i did a greater job than my other 2 patners....so....i shall gladly take the compliments as sincere compliments. lol. Thick skin hor?

Really, who knows.....right now, i finally caught the trick of doing a good presentation. I start to learn to put in animations, cartoons, jokes, pictures, things flying in and out....trying to achieve how 'thani's presentation' would be. haha.

Oh well, all in all, i am just happy and glad that everythig is over. next week, i shall have to admit 2 patients, do 2 presentations plus write 2 discharge letters and that is most of the block's workload off my shoulder. Finally, end with mock exams (hopefully i don't do badly....im just hoping for a pass with CAS score 12-14 haha...i am not greedy at all).Then, HOME....off i go HOME!

Been starting to miss home quite a bit lately, probably thanks to me starting to buy presents and packing things into my luggage. ppl don't bring much things back to home........but bring

What's happiness?? If u don't know...let me tell u.

Happiness is....

When outside's temperature is 0degrees celcius, and you are gladly and luckily lying in bed, with 2 10.5tog duvets on top of ur body.....plus a cup of creamy and thick cappucino and a BIG bowl of hot steaming porriage full with vegetables and meat!

Haha! Happiness is EVERY WHERE and SIMPLE....if ONLY you could SEE it and FEEL it urself.

Oh yes, Aberdeen's temperature finally hit zero....if it snows next week, i really don't be surprised at all. Not a speck!

Home sweet home in 39days!! wee!

xx

p/s: tmr, im going to make this again.....muahaha. by thinking of it....i ALREADY feel stuck full with Happiness.
AHHH.....HAPPINESS is really AROUND me, at least TONIGHT! haha.

0404_SLT_souffle

Today....finally start to get the FEEL of winter AGAIN!

Can't believe Aberdeen CAN BE SO COLD!! haha.

Well, it doesn't matter....whY??? Cuz I Would be HOME in TROPICAL LAND in 56days MORE!! Yay!!

Can't WAIT

^O^

56DAYS more!!!!

Really havent been updating my blog for some time, Planned to update the next day after my previous post, but too many things had happened..........

Anyway, HORRIBLE is the only word i could find appropriate to describe last week. The FINE and PERFECT day on the 1st day....feels like an imagination of myself. If it is not both my 2other group mates assured my that the 1st day was real,i would have think that i made that up.

What happened on the 2nd day was, the sister in charge was so awful. She is not only rude, but keep on blocking us medical students from following the doctors/consultants. I mean, she COULD block us from going into the labour room with other midwives, but she has no POWER to tell us not to follow the consultants. After all, its more of 'midwives take care of midwives students...doctors take care of doctors student', why should she come dashing into blocking medical students from following the doctors, i really don't understand. The worst is, the consultant herself came over to INVITE us to join them for ward rounds, and here she is, standing in the way, saying 'no' on behalf of us, medical students. Sigh. And, i got told off rudely by her as well. I don't find it rude, but my friends classified 'rude' for me based on their standard of politeness. Haha. So i guess,probably,  me Malaysian, too thick skin to feel UK's standard for RUDE. What i did? I did totally nothing! All I did was....to show i respect the sister in charge, so i went to ask her (instead of other doctors and midwives) again and again ' could we join the ward round? '  'is there any patient in labour that we could observe?'. And i just got snapped and given a loud 'NO!' and she stomped away.haha. So my friends said that was RUDE......

Well, probably i WAS thick skin enough...and keep pushing myself forward to that sister to get banged for the WHOLE day....till she got annoyed?? haha. I went in to Labour ward at 6.45am.....and got banged instantly, till around 4pm, maybe the sister got tired.....she just barked at me 'there is a patient at room XX, go with this midwife'. I was like ' OOOh, thank you very much!' and give her my 'professional' smile. Hahaha. I bet she must get 'gek sei' and think why this medical student...being banged whole day, being showed bad faces whole day, being barked and shouted unreasonably for whole day, can still smile happily and thank the person who did all the bad things to her whole day. Muahaha. You know what the answer is??? Cuz, i was WELL BROUGHT UP!! muahaha. Yes, thank my mum, for teaching me NOT to be RUDE no matter what other ppl do to you. They are RUDE but that does not give you a REASON to be RUDE back to them! See? this, is how my family bring me up! HIGH EQ!!

So, that day itself, i stayed over night...accompanying my patient, who was ....er....someone from a country near poland (i still cannot reason out where). She and her husband were very nice.......esp her husband. OMG! Should give him a Best Husband Award!! Never see such husband in my whole life yet!! So supportive....even better than Midwives and me in aiding his wife. Woo......envy of her wife!!

In the end, i didn't get to see normal labour, although spending near 15hours with the patient (ppl primid...is like that la).Her cervix was well dilated, but probably the mother was too tired and exhausted, she just can't seem to push the baby out another 2cm!! Haihz. I kept telling her 'a bit more!! Just a BIT more!!...we could see the head....just need u push the head out a little bit more and thats it'. But, she just couldn't make it. Finally...she was send for Forceps Delivery. I was glad to see when her old smiling self came back immediately after she was given Epidural. She is a very strong lady, kept smiling non stop from the beginning till.......probably near after 14hrs when the contraction was so bad that she just could not keep up her good self. Never seen such women who love to smile!! And yes, the delivery was successful, she got a baby girl (her father planned to named her Carolina...but don't know will really name her that or not, cuz by the time i went home, slept and came back to see them...they were gone).

It was a great experiance....i mean...never feel so touched and tired! So tired till i don't need to sleep for 36hrs.....haha. Imagine i walked into labour ward on Tuesday 6.45am, by 4.30pm i went in to see the lady starts her labour,,..then on Wednesday around 6am lady was sent to theatre and by 7am, i went to have a sip of coffee and 8am still can go for presentation....AND AND....12-2pm, i still went for double tutorials!! haha. I nearly went for the IMU communication skills at 3pm.......but since Thrance didn't plan to go...so i thought there i no need to torture my poor body and should lie down for a good rest.lol. So, I went home....had a good lunch...and slept till....er....thursday 2pm , i think...didn't even bother to wake up for dinner...nor any lunch. haha.

My friends....were not as lucky as me....she got shouted infront of the consultants on thursday......and she just couldn't stop herself and shouted back at the midwives....end up....there was a 'medical student Vs Midwife' shouting Show. And......the ending??? No one supported her....so she left the labour ward sobbing hard.....and went DIRECTLY to the block coordinator secretary and file in a BIG complaint about the midwives who bullied her the whole week. So, i feel like im in the 'spotlight' right now, being in the same group as my friend. Sigh. well, i don't blame her....the midwives were really hard...my high EQ nearly made talk back at them as well....... what to sat her, a true British who voiced out whatever she has in mind??

THis week, pretty good. Went to Antenatal clinic and Scanning yesterday. Speaking of Scanning, I couldn't stop myself from crying yesterday,. It was a SAD day.........that was the 1st time i went into the Ultrasound scanning...and that DAY itself.....i saw 2sad cases which non of my friends in my BIG group ever seen yet. One of them, the baby has abnormalities........when the midwife told her...she straight away burst into tears........OMG. And then i thought that was the worst......who knows , another one, she came for a 2nd scan after 3weeks...to find her 20weeks old baby has died. Sigh. You can see the baby lying perfectly still.....can see the baby's face, limbs....but...the baby is NOT moving. I really feel extremely sad and sorry for the couple. The women was crying........the husband kept comforting her...and i just stood there...don't know what to do except to offer them tissues and then get out of the room to leave them peace and quiet. Sigh. Those were the 2 saddest incidents that i ever seen. The rest of the day......was fine.

Today's presentation.....i even got a double good from BOTH examiners. I felt so proud of myself, i finally able to grasp the skills of how to make a good presentation and felt very comforting. But......i don't know....maybe...i seen too much sad things in this few weeks....i just don't feel the joy of wanting to leapt high up into the sky. I guess.....this is a sign of growing up??

Anyway...it seems that i wrote too long again....shall write again next time. =)

xx  

Yes everyone, I am currently doing Oh and Gee.....now particularly on the 'Oh!' part. Haha. Just Joking, its Obstetrics.

Last week i had a pretty slacking and easy going week with Breast Week. What i did for whole week was 2 clinics where i 'molested'...haha...joking...examined lots of Breast.....and 'run' my OWN clinic. haha. Why did i say i RUN my own clinic? cuz basically, the consultants just chuck me few notes and say 'why not, you go and see the patient, don't examine...but come back to me, report to me what the patient has, come up with a diagnosis with what you think it is and come up with a management plan as well'. So, all in all.....it is just SIMILAR to running my own clinic...except that I am not the one telling the patient what she has....but TELLING the consultants what the patient has and my plan for management. Yea, pretty cool actually....got to touch lots of BIG BREAST (no offence...its just that mine is small and humble....so not much to examine.....BIG breast is a very good teaching organ!)I got to learn how to differentiate whats a normal tissue feel like and how abnormal tissues feel like as well. Really, thanks to all the patients that i have met, for being so OPEN and letting me LEARN to examine!

THis week, is a total turn over, or opposite if you like. I was up at 5.45am and get out from my flat at 6.15....walking and cursing in cold wind for half and hour to the Maternity Hosp. Yes, im doing Labour Ward this week, thats why i say in my 1st line that im doing the 'oh!' part. lol. When i got out from my flat, it was totally dark........winds are as though my enemies...keep on blowing hard at me. Brrrrrr. Can't imagine that i have to do that for whole week.

Not really productive today, been waiting at the nursing station since 7am till 4pm....but WHOLE ABERDEEN has NO ONE that WANTS to labour!! haha. I really don't understand why is this happening. Maybe its too cold so every baby think its a BAD idea to come out today. lol. But, i got to see 3 C-section, which is quite good. One of them was quite complicating.......actually was shivering for the doctor who did the C section. But all went well, Thankfully!

THe docs were very nice, I got to come home at4pm thanks to them telling me that they don't expect any deliveries today (but somehow i got a feel there would be a lot TONIGHT) ........most of the midwives are GREAT! (except one of them who show a sour face early in the morning.....maybe she is just too tired...). Tmr, going to be the same again. Hopefully there are few labours for me plus few instrumental deliveries!! I would LOVE to see! If not, still not too bad, i have already Scheduled with the docs that tmr im going to Assist them doing C-Section! Muahaha~~ I want to SCRUB IN!!! *so, fingers cross for good day tmr*. Hoping that i get real good case, cuz i only got a week....correction, 4days more in labour wards...and i want to see as many as i could. I really don't mind if they PUSH me up to 12hrs in the ward. If they like, they can keep me up for 24hrs. haha.

Last but not least...........i don't know why, although this week is pretty tiring and high energy demanding..........i KINDA (see the word KINDA) Love it. So...if i turn to become O&G docs, don't be too surprised yea! Oh, wait...hold on..........i don't like Gyneacology.....so most prob will only be Oh! but not Gee! lol.    =)

Will update again soon....if i got the energy and time! (can't wait for Wednesday...im planing to do NIGHTS...muahahaha!).

xx 

Ever think about listening Mix Fm, Hitz Fm, or MY fm about 18hrs flight journey from Malaysia??

Well, it feels...rather far........but rather near as well. haha. I still cannot really adapt to it, somethings i would thought i am still back at home, listening malaysian radio in my room, from my stereo. But, the recent cold air had told me clearly that i am in ABERDEEN, 18hrs flight journey from Malaysia.

I am not complaining, not at all. It is such a treasure to me, to be able to get Malaysian's radio here. To listen continously to Manglish "la,eh,nya,lor'. haha. Feel so homely even when i am at Aberdeen. Really need to thank Astro for setting up these few stations on internet. Thank you so much for helping me cope with Msian's radio.

It was so funny, when i listened to Petro and Serena C's at 7am Msia time (about 12am Aberdeen time). It made me feel as though i am at home, driving to IMU for early class. The last time i listen to them was about 10months ago? It just brings all the feel back again. And to get to know Msian's news again is so nice! haha.

Gosh...today is midautumn festival, i feel so...homesickish? haha. Not that i have no plans, i actually did, im having a steamboat session with my housemates tonight...with a chocolate souffle to go after it as dessert. *was planning to make chocolate fudge cake....but.....no baking tray....so, last minute change to souffle again. haha. and...the steamboat soup base was cooked by me okay!! BIG CHEF here...muahaha*

Ayway, i think its almost time for me to go wash up the vege.

Really happy and glad to have the radio here. WHen i was in msia, i don't treasure them....now, i REALLY treasure them A LOT!!!!

本来还在想，要把这篇文章命名为失眠的夜晚呢，还是哭泣好。。结果，还是觉得哭泣比较贴切。

放心，我没事，也没有moody/melancholic mood/depressed。只是在夜半无人的夜晚，突然想写些东西来打发时间。

说到哭泣，我刚刚看完一本名为 ‘恋上梳乎厘的天使’，对就是昨天开始看到，并激发我想做梳乎厘来吃吃看的小说。说道那本小说，觉得很凄惨。。故事的女主角一直都在哭。。。也在某种程度上与我很相像，尤其是在面对爱时所做的决定。 我不是要说我所做的决定都是对的，只是，没想到世间上竟让我遇上了会与我做同决定的‘人’，真的很令我觉得很不可思议。

话说回来，哭泣，我有多久没哭泣了？我算是比较感性的人吧，只要读到，看到或听到很伤心的故事，不论是真或假，我都会留下眼泪（多少是另外一回事)。然而，最近，我发现我不再那样了。我没有了眼泪，我没法在留下眼泪了。故事多么的伤感，我一滴眼泪也没留。我，怎么了？变残忍了？还是变坚强了？是冷眼看待世间事物还是要保护自己而把自己伪装起来？

是因为那件事吗？我一直想为那时哭一哭来算一个了结，却从来也没法哭。。。。

我，真的变了。。。。对这样的自己，觉得很陌生，很可怕，很残忍！